Dwelling, Obsessing, Oversharing

The past has pushed its way up to the surface and is starting to brim over. I hate it, I hate thinking about it, but it's right there. I think about the darkest hour, the worst time, the most hurtful time. I feel the sting of that time. The despair that is brought was so overwhelming I thought it would never end. Thinking about it makes my chest literally ache.

I overshared tonight. It's always the worst people. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just say goodnight and be done with it. I hate myself this week.

Depressed

I'm so depressed right now. I hate myself and who I am. I just wish I could be someone else. Someone who has things together better than me. I am obsessing and I just want to scream. All the continuous thoughts drive me crazy. I need a distraction. I need to know that it's going to be okay and I didn't completely screw this up.

The Elation

The most wonderful high in the world is the sudden rush of elation that comes from nowhere. There's never any rhyme or reason to it. It's just there. I could do anything. I can handle anything. Nothing can stop me and nothing can go wrong.

In the moment it's wonderful. The irony comes in the end. The end to the invincible feeling will be the smallest annoyance. It will most likely be something out of place or an offhand comment that will bring it all crashing down. It's like riding The Drop Zone. You go to the top and you're AT THE TOP. The wind is blowing in your hair and you can see the whole world from up there and you can see it all so clearly. You're on top of it. Then in a split second your stomach goes in your mouth and you're at the bottom. The ride is over. The thrill is gone. There is nothing left to do but throw up your cotton candy and try to find your way to the top again.

For Me

I have this itch to write down whatever I'm thinking. It normally hits in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sort out everything going on in my brain. To me, my brain is a circular room with a loud voice screeching over another loud voice while a tiny voice tries to push through. It hurts most of the time to listen to it all and I try to shut myself up most of the time. Jon says he can make his thoughts go blank. I can't even imagine that. I have regular thoughts that I go over every day, plus taking in whatever is going on at the time, plus plus thinking about what I'm thinking about.

The heat bothers me. I can't stand the sound of it running. It feels like an itch inside my chest that I can't scratch. But, Bonus!! That means our utility bills are low this winter.

So right now I feel kind of disjointed and head explody so I'll go, but it feels very therapeutic to write everything down.